i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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