did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
