so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
