On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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