i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
