For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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