and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
