Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i would punch a child for taco bell
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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