I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Randomize
