I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
