Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
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