i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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