apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
