My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
