I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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