i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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