that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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