I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
