I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
