i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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