Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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