How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
