Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
