i will never coherently bang her
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
