I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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