I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
