New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
