I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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