I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize