No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
she woke up with a sticky ear
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
