I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
