Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
