i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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