Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
