Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
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