i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Who died my cat blue again?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
