I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize