got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
