i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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