People in love make me want to vomit
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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