I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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