i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
