I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
