my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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