Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
