I just threw up on my dentist
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
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