Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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