1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
