No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Randomize
