that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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