Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Never underestimate the power of titties
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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