omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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