so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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