I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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