she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
