awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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