I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
