I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
