actually, I'm a sock model
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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