He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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