Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
