Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize