Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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