Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
