That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize