I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
When we talk. Remind me of these topics, photoshop, my bday, threesomes, and cherekee indians. I swear these are real topics...
New topics to add when we talk, sweden, boxing, and the band journey
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
